i'm beginning to realize that a big reason why i keep going back to art is because i feel like it's something i can control. i can create and adjust all the discreet elements and how they interact to create the right conditions for change. but life isn't such a small endeavor. i wonder what james cameron does when he's not inventing ecosystems and alien cultures? when i was younger, i thought that charlotte bronte was great, but of course she could create intricate social relationship dramas because she was shut up in a room all day. same goes for lady murasaki. and when i try to live life instead of escaping into my art, i flounder.